I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
