I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
