There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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