Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
