my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
