No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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