I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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