between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
