I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize