just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
i think im in europe. pls send help
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
