she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
