I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
