Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
