Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
