I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
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