Don't you send me to vm
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
