we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
