Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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