Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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