How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
How does one acquire holy water?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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