there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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