hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
