Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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