Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I pour the whiskey from now on
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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