Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
