can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Randomize
