Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
