I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
