So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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