So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I want her autograph on my taint
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
