FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
