Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
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