Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
