I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize