i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
