I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
