i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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