I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
