hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
