I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
