No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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