I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
