The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
