he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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