my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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