can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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