Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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