Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
