i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
