Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
