dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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