My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
whose parrot is this?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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