you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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