I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
