i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Randomize
