new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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